Friday, April 6, 2012
Open Letter to Some Folks Who Mean Well
Dear Weight Watchers, Lane Bryant and the like,
Thanks for everything.
When I got too big for my britches, for real, you were there. Either to provide bigger britches or to help me fit into the old ones again. I haven't always been grateful for your services, but accepted them for what they were.
But the time has come for us to part ways. I understand, Weight Watchers, that your data and years of having a successful enterprise of aiding people lose weight supports this idea that I am still fat as a fritter and your propaganda is welcome here. But it ain't. I've had more success doing this "caveman diet" than I ever did eating your suggested no-fat plastic cheese and analyzing every tiny bite of something that accidentally found its way to my mouth. You guys would not believe the hunks of meat that I eat now. And bacon, from a real pig, not a bird. As much as I want. So while I appreciate what you did for me in the old days, it's best that I move on now.
Please don't send any more mailers with Jennifer Hudson on them, looking fabooboo. With the money and resources of celebrities, there should be no reason in the world for them to struggle like I do. She could pay someone named Tiny to punch her in the face every time she ate something off her program. Most of those people have no idea what's it like to raise a family with 4 kids, have to take those kids to dance and soccer practice, manage homework, and prepare a great, healthy dinner sometime before 9pm. And that is just the tip of my iceberg. But I will admit, I know nothing of the pressures of being a celebrity. All that to say, Jennifer Hudson does not inspire me. You guys can just consider me "data scatter" and take me off your list. I'm a Success Story in the Making just not on your program.
And to my friends at Lane Bryant:
You have a hard job, I'm the first to admit. It can't possibly be easy to make big people look small. But we can't go around naked, either, can we? And that is where you come in. But I don't think you're doing a good job here. First of all, your clothes are ridiculously overpriced. And I would almost say that there are many items that no big person should attempt to wear. Except there they are, on display, as New Arrivals! What in the world are you doing to us? It's hard enough dressing yourself in something "cute" when options are so limited, but then to have the options limited even more by the inappropriateness of the selection? Save the printing and mailing costs and remove me from your mailing list. I'm not going to be shopping with you again. It's not just the price or the style. There's a bigger reason I'm leaving. Well, actually, it's a tad bit smaller and shrinking every day. It's me. I'm just not gonna need you anymore. But seriously, you've really got to do something about your offerings. You are making women everywhere look ridiculous.
All that said, I do want to thank you. Both of you. Sometimes we just don't realize how bad things are until we realize how good they could be.