Cutting the Crap and Getting Real

Let’s face it. There comes a time in every woman’s life when she looks in the mirror and sees more than she wants to see. Who let those boobs sag that low? And why are they resting on a gut that would give Jabba the Hut a run for his money? So she vows to Do Something About It. You know the routine. You join a diet group, a gym, a class…you go for about a month. You tell yourself you’re in this to be a healthier you. You want to feel better. You need to take care of your body.

Being two good-sized girls, we have done this every year. Think of how great it would be to lose 80 pounds! It would be nice not to shop in the fat girl stores. Having the energy to chase down our kids would be a good thing. Our doctors would stop breathing down our necks. There were so many wonderful reasons to do this. We should do this for our health!

We sat down and decided that was crap. There are a jillion reasons why two fat chicks would decide to get smaller, but we narrowed it down to our top two.

1. We want to look good naked. Forget all that healthy stuff. We want to be able to drop those clothes and have our men drop their jaws. It’s not about lowering cholesterol or increasing strength. We want the body of Jessica Rabbit. Vain? Sure. We don’t care.

2. When the Zombie Apocalypse happens, fat chicks will be the first to go. We’re slow. And everybody knows fat is where the flavor is. Zombies are going to go omnomnom on our asses if we don’t get fit and get fast before they take over. We need to be able to run. Possibly carrying a kid or two. This is survival, people.

So, how are we going to go about it THIS time? Well, we did the research. We read the science. We’re going primal. Not club swinging, loin-cloth wearing, caveman primal (unless we look cute doing it, because then we totally will), but a diet dating back to pre-agricultural man. This is the story of two fat chicks’ journey to get fit, get sexy, and leave those flesh-eating monsters and our flabby bodies in our dust.