Thursday, January 19, 2012

I Hate Exercise, And It Hates Me

Shanon dukes it out with Satan and Skinny People by running and deadlifting at the gym.  She has money invested in this.  She's paying for it.  And she is brave.  Because I don't think I could go in a place like that , looking like the girl that is me, and do what she's doing.  It's all I can do to do the things that I do.   So while Shanon Cross-Fits, I am doing Primal Blueprint Fitness.

Which means, mostly, I walk.  I hate walking in  my neighborhood and it's nearly impossible to keep 4 children safe while doing so.  When I do, I feel like a big, fat person and everyone is driving by pointing, "Look at that poor fat girl.  She's working so hard.  It's a good thing she's out here.  She really should be running.  Let's  go get a big, greasy hamburger on that bun she likes at the Groggy Dawg and have a Shiner Bock with it.  Let's drive by while we're eating and show it to her and laugh."  I'm like that kid on The Sixth Sense:  I don't want people looking at me.  So I go to the Nature Center where my kids scream and chase each other down the paths and basically annoy the people there who are actually trying to observe nature.  I call what I do there "cross country hiking".  I hope it really is because that's what I call it on the program that tallies all my numbers.  Other times, we take over the city's Bike and Hike trail where my scootering girls try to race those other January Resolutionists who are huffing and puffing along.  I do those people a huge favor and tell my kids, "Leave that poor man alone.  Can't you see he's about to die?"

One day a week, I run sprints.  I have hated running all my life and I have always truly sucked at it.  In Freshman PE, every Monday, we had to run a mile.  Except I never did.  I always lied and held up 4 fingers when it was really only my 3rd lap.  I really don't want to do anything that causes my lungs to burn.  I am a former smoker who had a pack-a-day habit for 8 years.  In April, I will have been a quitter long than I was a smoker.  (Nine years!)  That lung burning aside, I abhor running.  But for high heels, I will do it.  Because I only have to run for 10 seconds at a time.  Even this fat chick can run at top speed for 10 seconds.  However, it is not pretty.  Which is why I do it in the dark when my kids are in bed and all the retirees that live in my cul de sac have been in bed since 630pm.  Of course, even for 10 seconds, I have my limit.  Exactly, it's 4x.  I can run for 10 seconds at top speed on the sidewalk outside exactly 4 times before I have to crawl into my house.  And top speed may be slower than Bubba on his trike, but since I do it in the cover of darkness, we may never know.

Two days a week, I lift heavy things.  Like Shanon, it is often my very own Ghetto Booty Spread.  See, that's what happens when you have a ghetto booty and you gain a little weight.  You spread out back there.  Back in my day, Sir Mix-a-Lot had a song about me.  I am working on mastering 5 Essential Primal Movements:  Pushup, Pullup, Overhead Press, Plank and Squat.  You master the Essential Movement when you get to Level 4 or 5 of 9.  It doesn't really matter at this point because Level 1 is kicking my Ghetto Booty Spread.  On my lift days, I do 2 sets of:  40 wall pushups, 20 2-leg chair pull-ups, 50 wall squats, 20 inverted overhead presses and 90 seconds of hand-knee planks and 45 minutes of knee-side planks.  I can move on to the next level when I can complete all sets without crying.  I still have a ways to go...

Today I rested.  Thursday is a busy day and it gets dark too soon to do anything after I corral girls at Girl Scouts.  Especially since my own kids demanded food, too.  I should have walked anyway.  It's 9pm and not one of them are asleep anyway.  Tomorrow, I lift my junk again.  Push it away from the wall 80 times.  Do 100 wall squats.  Since I have started this journey, I do not remember what it is like to walk without some major muscle group screaming in agony.  This refining process is literally a pain in my ass.    

1 comment:

  1. Imagine that pain as the kick-ass bod inside you trying to break free. It's got a lot to fight through to get here, in my case, so there's going to be a lot of aches and pains. It's worth it! Get that Ghetto Booty back! Minus the spread, of course.


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